The "Wake Up!" of Break Ups

I just came across a question on the PickUp Lounge asking about the best way to break up with a woman. It's a question I've heard a lot, but it also seems to get downplayed. Guys are more preoccupied with getting women in bed, than what to do next.

Here is a summary of my thoughts:

If a relationship is good, then for most people the breakup will be equally painful. As my buddy Hristiyan has put it, "love and pain are inseparable."

You don't need to suffer the emotions, you don't need to be a victim of drama. But, you also don't want to fall into the typically male trap of trying to shut down your emotions and be lifeless inside.  For most people, breaking up will always bring up emotions, some of which you may not want to deal with.

But, perhaps... a breakup is a wonderful opportunity (yes, hear me out)... a wonderful opportunity for both you and her to deal with the reality of life. Part of life is loss and change. Not a moment goes by where we do not face the ever changing nature of life.

If we think of a relationship or a breakup as part of the natural world of change- we could think of it like a hurricane.Emotions swirl like wild winds, while life itself must go on.

Women will naturally have a million emotions come up for them as you are breaking up. At some points they may be furious with you, at some points very seductive, some points almost non-existent and non-communicative, and on and on... They are fully embodying the emotions of the moment. There is nothing wrong with this, and you can appreciate your woman's humanity in this moment.


Naturally, you will have emotions come up too. However, your success will come from your ability to neither run away nor get swept away trying to change it or fix it, etc.

The opportunity for you is to get rocked to your very core and allow reality to happen.  In this process, you will find your resistance to reality, and that's exactly my point.  If you can notice your struggle with reality, and notice how you multiply your suffering, then you have already made a big step.

The first thing to notice is that you may procrastinate and delay the inevitable. This is the kind of thing that will cause unneeded suffering in a breakup. (You may notice - where else you procrastinate and delay the inevitable in your life?) Perhaps you procrastinate on a daily basis, and in this moment of breaking up that procrastination becomes even more clear.

The feeling you hate and that you try to avoid... it is inevitable. It is your response that is most important.

Specific techniques for breaking up can be taught and I hope you get some good tips here and elsewhere. The main thing to remember is to maintain your integrity and don't run away from or try to avoid the reality of it all. You may even have to be constantly checking in with yourself to make sure you're not trying to take the easy way out. No matter what, the breakup (and the relationship too) will never fit some cookie cutter mold of "casual" or "serious." It will simply be what it is. And, it may require something of you that you never even knew you could do.

Above all, this isn't a "stupid sticking point." It is not stupid.  It is human.  And, it's not a sticking point to be solved. I think that's why the pickup community hasn't found a good solution - because there is no solution. It's like trying to find a solution to death.  Things come to an end.  We don't "solve" death, we find healthy ways to respond.

OK, so that may sound a little extreme. Life does go on after a breakup. But, when a woman whom you loved deeply stops answering your calls and stops contacting you at all - it often feels like she's the same as dead. And that will hurt. It goes the same for her.

Hope that gives some more insight. And again, I'm happy to know that you are willing to face this challenge... as a man.


I have also worked with clients through many of the emotionally difficult parts of a relationship, and sometimes it is good to have another guy there to help you through it.  It is nice to talk with someone who can understand how hard it is, but also someone who is not going to give you a free pass to be lazy or irresponsible about it.

Ok, now... get up and do something about it.